


The Culinary Preparations of Maidens

by Shatterpath



Category: Original Work
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Dragons, Funny, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 21:04:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1483885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shatterpath/pseuds/Shatterpath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A completely silly little tale written for my friend, Sindra's birthday. This is what happens when you stir up our silliness with dragons and 'food porn'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Culinary Preparations of Maidens

**Author's Note:**

> http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/018/7/b/7ba19d3004fffea40586e9c11dc904a4-d5rxlla.png
> 
> Special thanks to Feniiku for providing a perfect picture to go along with this little tale!

Good afternoon and welcome to this week's installment of Fantasy Food Fetishes. I'm Jim Stoneheart, your host. We have a special guest this week that the audience has been clamoring for some time. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce Sir Greybeard Longtooth of the Elder Forest and Clan... umm, pardon me sir, but how do you pronounce this?

Sir Greybeard will be fine. Uttering my clan name is difficult for mere mortals and has been known to induce temporary insanity and possible jaw damage.

Fair enough. Well, welcome to the show. Also, listeners, don't forget that Sir Greybeard has just published his first cookbook, 'Eating Your Way Across the Countryside'. What do you have for us today?

Thank you, Jim. After careful deliberation, I have decided to demonstrate an important technique necessary for proper eating as a full-grown dragon. Only our youths are indiscriminate eaters.

Aren't they all?

Indeed. Now, my assistant has with her a pair of offerings, one from my private reserve and kept on ice for just such a special occasion and this fresh specimen collected on our way here. As you can see, the live one has not even been stripped of its filthy hide.

Umm... sir...

Now, this technique comes from the chapter entitled 'The Culinary Preparations of Maidens', which is of course, self explanatory. These creatures are frightful screamers, but one learns to ignore it. A quick, clean slice across the throat is an excellent way to not only stop that nonsense, but to drain the carcass of fluids. Now, if one has been offered a proper princess, these fluids can make an excellent elixir, very refreshing after a long hibernation, and that is covered in chapter seven, Uses of Royal Blood. Now, it takes a bit of technique to clear the carcass of it's fabric wrappings and viscera before a good wash in clean water gets rid of that foul, unwashed human flavor. If the prey is healthy and has not been a heavy drinker-- disgusting creatures, humans-- the liver and even heart make an excellent treat for the cook. Now, with the carcass cleaned a bit of salt with some citrus or even some exotic ginger makes this simple preparation an excellent appetizer for company. A small village usually covers a dinner party, perhaps followed with a light meal of of a Juggernaut. Have you never heard of a jaugernaught? Most excellent eating. Then again, they are very large and very powerful. And armored like the side of a mountain. And carnivorous. They prowl all over the deserts of the continent to the south. But I digress. Now, I save up my royals for a special treat taught to me by my grandmother so long ago. By carefully stuffing a few of these lovely treats into a properly dressed Moon Cow and then into one of the exotic heffalumps that live on the steppes to the north-- though be certain to remove that dreadful furry hide-- one can make an excellent roast that is perfect for a romantic dinner for two. But remember; slow heat! This is no dish for haste or dragonflame. Charring is for amateurs. Goodness Jim, whatever is the matter? You look quite green. Mister Stoneheart?

*static*

This is a studio announcement. Due to the intervention of the royal guard and the ensuing demolition of Unicorn Stickers Studios by catapult and dragonfire, we regret that Fantasy Food Fetishes has been canceled. Now, run for the hills.

**Author's Note:**

> And here is how it began....  
> [2:41:15 AM] Greytrail: I have a question and a prompt!  
> [2:41:51 AM] Greytrail: YOU have a birthday and I'm feeling a tad writer-block-ish  
> [2:42:11 AM] Greytrail: So this means YOU get to think of some prompts!  
> [2:42:29 AM] Greytrail: because that will make the best gift, that can be shared  
> [2:42:42 AM] Sindra: Oooooo! I am excited about that kind of gifty!  
> [2:43:05 AM] Sindra: I will think on some prompts for you. Right now, I needs more coffee lol  
> [2:43:13 AM] Greytrail: *chuckle*  
> [2:54:09 AM] Sindra: Anything involving dragons!  
> [2:54:50 AM] Greytrail: ooooo a good dragon tale would rock!  
> [3:25:41 AM] Greytrail: Now... how to mix dragons and foodporn... hmmmm  
> [3:26:04 AM] Greytrail: The Culinary Preparations of Maidens  
> [3:27:19 AM] Sindra: *Dies*


End file.
